Where has the time gone? How many of us have said that on our children’s birthdays? I know I’m not the first person to say it, nor am I the last, but man oh man it doesn’t make it any easier. Looking at the twinadoes running around like little kids rather than my babies is tough, damn tough. Each milestone is met with cheers and lots of “good job”, but I would be lying if I wasn’t a little sniffly on the inside. I’m sure a big part is the fact that these are my only babies, there will never be any more. Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally good with that, but it just means that every first I’ll never have again with any other child so this is my one shot.
This doesn’t seem like an exciting picture, but it’s one I thought for many years I would never get to take. For four years my husband and I tried to get pregnant without success. Every month was another disappointment. Eventually, I think my brain just stopped giving a crap, or at least it had me fooled enough to feel that way. Every month I knew what was coming, one line, there would be no two lines for this gal…. The night before my appointment for my pregnancy test after our second attempt at IVF I decided to take a home test so my mind would be better able to handle the news I just knew I was going to be receiving. Afterall, I was going to be at work when the call would come so I didn’t want to have some kind of mini meltdown and then have to get it together to finish the day (who the heck schedules one of these tests before work…yeesh, what was I thinking).
Shock!!! What is this I’m seeing? This can’t be correct, this test must be faulty!!! Two lines? Two freaking lines!!!! I don’t think I’ve ever flown down the stairs quicker than I did that night. All I could repeat was “oh my gosh, two lines!!!” Could I possibly be pregnant? Now the waiting for the test was no longer one of dread but of anticipation. I couldn’t wait for the results now!! So first thing in the morning I went in and had my blood drawn, they told me they would have the results in a few hours and would give me a call. Then it hit me, what if the test I took the night before was wrong, what if this was just some cruel joke? I went back in and asked them to email me rather than call, I figured it would be an easier blow to read it rather than hear the words “I’m so sorry, you’re not pregnant”. That was a sentence I’d heard enough times.
By lunch I was about to go crazy, no email, no call, nothing. What did this mean? Well, I was going to find out. I emailed my nurse to ask if they had the results. She emailed me back almost instantly starting with “you didn’t receive my email?”. The next sentence brought me to tears, like ridiculous tears. “Congratulations!!! You are pregnant!!!”. OMG!!! I was finally going to be a mom!!!! The past four years of pokes, tests, “sorry, we can try again next cycle” just faded away.
I think about the journey every birthday, and how lucky I am to be celebrating MY children’s birthdays. Mine, all mine!!!
So bring on Red Robin and every other obnoxious kid friendly restaurant that I previously avoided like the plague.
Screw perfectly painted walls…Sharpie abstracts are the new wall art.
And look at my garbage can. I dare you to find such a beautiful piece on Etsy or Pinterest…
Yes, life has changed, for the better (for the most part). There’s no going back, only forward, forward holding the softest two pairs of hands I’ve ever felt in my life.
Happy 3rd Birthday Thing 1 and Thing 2!!!