Father’s Day and a Little Bit of Jealousy…

Today is Father’s Day.  Father’s are getting cards, ties, special dinners  and homemade gifts galore.  Even my kids gave their papa little paper ties they made in preschool along with a card.  All the while I’m thinking of my dad, the most wonderful father a girl could ever want.  Truly, I have no complaints, I always tell people I won the dad lottery.

My dad passed away in 1997 right before the holidays.  That will be one of those days I never forget, ever.  Being in your early 20’s (or pretty much any age I’m sure) is tough to get that call.  Yes, I was an adult, but all that happens after someone dies is frightening to deal with, especially when it falls on you.  Thankfully, I had a wonderful uncle that helped me through the planning that needed to be made.  I remember when they were asking me all these questions about my dad, and the one question that made me lose it was “is he a grandfather?”.  The realization that he would never see me have children was horrible.  It took me a long time to get back to a place where I didn’t have this horrible hurt in my heart, a very long time.  That pain still comes back every now and then, but it’s not as raw as it was in those dark days.  Today is one of them.  Simply, I miss my dad.

Instead of the horrible sadness that filled my heart and mind for so long after his death I fill them with the wonderful memories I have.  There are certain days that I remember so clearly, like they just happened yesterday.  My hope is to keep them until I see my dad again.  But the fact that I only have memories of my past and will not be making new memories with my dad  does make me sad, and jealous.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel some jealousy when I see people my age with their dads.  Wishing he could have been here for some of my major life events, like seeing my son and my daughter who looks exactly like him (with a little bit of my mom thrown in).

But this day isn’t all sad, just a moment here and there.  For the most part it’s a very happy day where I remember how lucky I was to have the best dad in the world, in fact the universe.

I love you dad!!!  I hope you are having a wonderful father’s day…

 

 

 

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