I’m sure I’ll get a few nasty emails from this post, and you know what, I’m ok with that. Judge all you want, make your comments on how I should be grateful, etc, etc… With that being said, on to the post.
It’s no secret that conceiving my children was no easy task, I don’t think of infertility as some dirty little secret that needs to be kept a secret or ashamed of. What I don’t really give details about is the exact reason for the infertility, that my friends is a little too personal. It took four years of treatments to get the two beautiful feral jackals I lovingly call my Twinadoes. I love those two little human beings more than anything and sometimes just looking at them will bring me to tears.
However, I think it’s rough being a mom. It can be a struggle to chase them around, entertain them, feed them, clean them and everything else that goes into making sure they are healthy, happy and content people. There are days I really need a break from them, even to the point where I am looking at the door thinking I need to just run though it and never look back. But then it passes, I get back to mama mode and carry on.
My children were small when they came home from the hospital and I was incredibly protective of them. Snuffly noses were not allowed to come near, hand sanitizer was squirted on everyone and every piece of skin I saw coming for them, and no way was I leaving them with ANYONE but me. Yes, I was that mom. As they grew and got stronger I lightened up, I slowly let others (only two) people watch them while I got out. But the majority of the time it was me, and with two that is no easy task. I think back on those early months and I honestly don’t remember much but little bits and pieces. Being tired was the norm as was frustration.
As they grew even more, became more independent and Thing 1 more accepting of me being gone, I felt even more comfortable leaving them for a few hours here and there, but still not as much as I think I really needed. In part I felt my job was to be mom and be with them 24/7. I felt guilty if I left them to go get my hair done or just get away, even though in hindsight I know now that I should never have felt that. I should have been taking more time for myself and not feeling guilty. What I know now, at least for me, is that I’m a better mother when I get me time.
These days I have one person that watches my children, and I love her to death. I am so thankful for her and how she treats my twinadoes. They are not an easy duo, this I know. What I also know is I can be assured that they are being well cared for in her hands so I can relax and enjoy my me time.
As for me time, there will be much more of it. I love getting away from the daily tasks that go into raising my kids. I love letting someone else think about what to feed them for lunch or what activities are needed to entertain them when the weather is ugly. I don’t feel guilty anymore shucking my responsibilities on someone else for a few hours. Oh no, in fact I love it. I love having lunch somewhere there isn’t a freaking play land or having to pick the loudest restaurant just so your kids’ fighting and screaming won’t be heard so easily. I love getting away from my kids!!!
Yes, I said it… I love getting a break from the two children it took me four years to get. No I will not feel guilty for saying that no matter how many emails you send me explaining how you would love the opportunity to have lunch with kids solely in restaurants with play lands but you can’t due to this or that… Sorry folks, send those emails to someone else, not getting nothing out of me. I will no longer defend my reasoning for needing me time nor will I let other people’s opinions make me feel like less of a good mother because of my desire for kid free time.
My children were almost three years old when I finally took a 4 day vacation away from them. These days I find myself looking at vacation spots that are not kid friendly as well as ones that are. I’m evolving as a mother, allowing other titles to describe me again. Though I am very proud of the title of mom I am not solely defined by it. I don’t want to be. Without a doubt I want my kids to think of me as a great mom, but I also want them to know that I am not just that, I am a person, an individual that does more than just care for their needs and wants.
So if after you read this you find me to be a little, or a lot selfish, that’s ok. More than likely I’ll be reading your emails in between making spaghetti for Thing 1, looking up ballet lesson for Thing 2 and making hair appointments for myself.